Nkem Ndem: Your Boyfriend Is NOT Your Husband
I am a
huge Game of Throne (GOT) fan, and after seeing “An hour of Ice and Fire” –
last week’s episode where Khaleesi dealt with the sex-crazed and potty-mouthed
khans by setting the Dothraki hut ablaze, I was filled with so much excitement
that I decided to call a friend, Tiwa** to share my speculations for the next
episode. As Tiwa picked up the phone and we started talking, I noticed that her
responses were curt and her tone flat. I had to end all the GOT talk and ask
her what was wrong. She surprisingly broke into tears and started to narrate
the story of how her boyfriend had embarrassed her earlier in the day, in front
of their friend.
According
to Tiwa, she had gone to over to his place early in the morning to drop off the
packs of food she had made for him to put in his freezer. Although she had
called him before setting out and still called his phone when she got to his
apartment, he had left her standing at the entrance knocking for almost 10 minutes
before opening the door. It wasn’t all. After she put the bowls of food in the
freezer, she headed to his room to give him a kiss before leaving as any loving
girlfriend would do. On getting to his room, however, one of his friends (also
a friend of hers) who had spent the weekend with him and was in the room with
him, mentioned to the boyfriend that he needed to give Tiwa a key to the
apartment. Before she could say a word in protest, her boyfriend of 3 solid
years had already replied : “For what now? When she is not my wife?”
Of
course, I couldn’t do much but just listen and sympathize with her. She had not
asked for my advice and actually, I could see that she was finally at the place
where she could see that her boyfriend was not in love with her. He was
only stringing her along until the marriage benefits she was giving him runs
out… or until he finds the benefits elsewhere.
Tiwa
met him at the point in her life when she was going through the
“i-want-to-get-married” phase and was a little desperate. In the bid to
show him that she wife material and secure him for marriage, she started to
give him the benefits of marriage: round-the-clock sex, home-cooked meals,
cleaning his house, etc. Of course, we (Tiwa and I) had had fights over it all;
I constantly told her that playing wife was not only inappropriate, it would
take away the incentive for him to take the next step and marry her, but she
wouldn’t listen.
Think
about it, why marry the woman when you can get the wife for free?
In my
opinion, there is a very big difference between a boyfriend and a husband –
many of which circle around devotion, commitment, and understanding. The two
are not interchangeable at all. If they were the same, what would be there to
look forward to in marriage?
Do not
get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving your boyfriend and giving him
a measure of devoutness. Actually, the caring-for-him part is what makes the
relationship fun for the woman as caregiving comes naturally to her. The
problem comes when you give him all the benefits of having a wife with none of
the commitment.
In
fact, the root of some many problems in dating stem from the fact that most
girls go above and beyond the call of duty of a girlfriend. Doing for your
boyfriends, what a wife does for her husband, is not okay. If a man wants all
of you and wants you to do more than a girlfriend does for her boyfriend, then
he needs to put a ring on it. Until there is a ring on your finger, you should
never treat him as though he is your husband.
Treating
a man as though he is already a husband, with the intent of getting him to
marry you, often backfires. Usually, he instead takes you for granted or walks
all over you. Like…even if you go to his mother and learn how to make their
village meals or you decide to not just indulge all his sexual desires but also
hang your ovaries on his wall so he will know you can do anything for him, you
will be disappointed to learn how easily and quickly he can leave the
relationship without batting an eye. Slow down, leave a little mystery, close
your legs and set physical boundaries, have your own life, go after your
dreams! Do not behave as though you cannot exist without a man. Let the
courtship happen naturally, and you will be alright.
Biko, I
am not setting rules for anyone on how involved they can be at each stage of
their relationship….you may need to use your intuition on that one.Key thing to
remember though: Do not force a more committed element in your relationship by
playing wife. If he does not want to play husband, you definitely should not
play wife. And if I might add…no double standards either. Lower your
expectations.
Do not
expect him to take up husband duties before marriage: taking care of you
physically, emotionally and most of all, financially, just as though he were
your husband. You have your father, brother, and uncles for those. The
expectation of wanting a man to prove himself worthy of becoming a husband will
even keep you from getting to know him for who he really is, as you only get to
see what he can do for you, without enjoying his essence. Again, if he starts
to feel like you depend on him for everything, he may start to take you for
granted as well.
It
works both ways really….or what do you think? Have you ever fallen into the temptation
of playing wife in order to get the ring? How did it turn out? Please, let’s
talk about it all in the comment section.
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